Wherever You Will Go
by Kalyra Shadowdancer
Summary: one-shot. songfic. this kinda bounces all over the storyline; mostly angel's reflections on his relationship with buffy, past and future. plz R


Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy... and the song is Wherever You Will Go by The Calling -- which I also do not own.

* * *

_So lately, I've been wonderin'_

_Who will be there to take my place?_

The edge of the windowsill dug painfully into his side, but he ignored it – his attention had only one focus at the moment; the beautiful girl leaning out of the window. He tangled the fingers of his left hand deeper in her blonde hair and took in another breath of her sweet scent as his tongue delved deeper into her mouth. She sighed and leaned further into his kiss. So close – so close to pure happiness. Closer than he had been in many, many decades. Closer than he ever thought he could be, and so much closer than he could ever deserve to be. Even in the midst of his moment of joy, his sins weighed heavy on his heart and worries he had never thought he would have surfaced in his mind. He shook his head, as if in an effort to shake them free of his mind, but in doing so, broke contact. She drew back, expression questioning, and looked at him, her piercing green eyes always seemed to see straight through to his soul. That always scared him – there was so much he didn't want her to see; so much she shouldn't have to see. She opened her mouth to ask a question, and, in anticipation, he searched for something he could say – and was saved by a voice calling from downstairs:

"Buffy! Buffy, are you in bed yet?"

With a roll of her eyes, she turned away from him to yell, "yes mom!" at her closed door.

"I should go," he said.

"I don't want you to," she answered. A challenge.

"You have school in the morning. You need to rest."

"I'm a slayer. Super strength. Need less sleep. Goes with the job."

He tried a new tack, "Dawn is - "

"- more than five hours away," she answered. "What's going on with you?"

"I should go. I'll see you tomorrow." He ably dodged the question, and with one last kiss, leaped easily from the roof to the ground.

"Angel!"

He cast a last lingering look at the girl silhouetted by the moonlight, still looking out the window, and then disappeared into the shadows. Back home, he sat, shirtless on his bed, and sighed into his hands. What was he doing? A vampire and a Slayer? The ridiculousness of the situation almost made him laugh. Of all people to fall in love with – not her; not her… the fates were cruel, too cruel. He had been too caught up; had not seen, no, had not **let**himself see, had not let himself look ahead. What future did they have? He could not give her stability or children, or a life out of the shadow. To take her out of the sun down to his dark world – that was no life for her. It was an end result he had not considered; had not wanted to consider, and it hit him now with full force. He would have to give her up.

_When I'm gone, you'll need love_

_To light the shadows on your face_

That was the first day he had been truly honest with himself. He could remember it clearly. It was the beginning of the end. He wondered now if, if he had ignored it, could things have been different? Perhaps with the Gem of Amarra – had he kept it… but no. It had been the right choice. It had to be. If it wasn't there was no way he could live with himself. All he wanted was to protect her, to hold her, to make her smile – that smile; he saw it less and less these days. Even in his dreams, she didn't smile. She needed love, a love that wasn't his; he wondered who would rise up to stand beside her. It wasn't that she was weak – she was strong! So strong, that she needed to be reminded that there was weakness in the world, that that was why she was strong; to be the strength of others.

_If a great wave should fall  
Yea, fall upon us all  
Between the sand and stone  
Could you make it on your own?_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Buffy spun and landed a roundhouse kick on her opponent with a bone-splintering impact. With superhuman speed, she ducked as a piece of two-by-four whistled past her ear, and reflexively thrust behind her with the piece of iron rebar she had picked up sometime in the fight. It knocked the vampire about to smash her in the head with a shovel backward into a pile of rubbish, conveniently staking him on a broken wooden plank. She quickly finished off the other two, and turned to the red-haired girl standing above her on the fire escape. Below her, the ashes of what had once been a vampire already began to blow away, the only evidence of its death, the stake lying under the fire escape.

"Did I miss all the excitement?" a handsome dark-haired young man sat up in another pile of rubbish, rubbing the side of his head.

"Don't worry Xander. We got them all."

"We did? Of course we did. I was a vital distraction." He got up, one hand still on his right temple, and looked up to the red-head, who was gingerly climbing down the fire escape ladder. "You ok, Will?"

"I'm good." She looked over at Buffy, who still held the iron rebar in one hand and a piece of splintered wood in the other. "Are you okay?"

Buffy shook her head. "Yea. Yea I'm fine. You guys go on home. I'll just do a walkthrough of a couple more places and make sure they didn't have anymore friends hiding somewhere."

"You sure you don't want help?" They both looked at her.

"I'm sure. Go on."

Buffy dropped both the rebar and the wood in the rubble, and watched until Xander and Willow were out of the alley, then turned back to the path that would take her through Restview Cemetary. She sighed to herself. When had cemeteries become her personal getaway places? So many of her memories were tied up in graveyards… slaying patrols with Xander and Willow, and Faith, and Angel… Angel. She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. No matter how long, it still hurt like an old wound that would never heal. She knew she only made it worse by continuing to reopen it, but her mind would not leave old memories be. Before she knew it she found herself tracing old paths, through their favorite makeout spots, past the old mansion where he had come back from Hell – a rebirth she had been certain was a divine second chance – back to his first place. It had been abandoned for awhile now. She walked in and stared at the grey cement walls that had once been covered by fabrics of the rich burgundy color he was so fond of. The floors were bare of carpets, and the window had no drape to keep out the pale moonlight. Dust had collected everywhere. "Why?" She wasn't even sure what she was asking as she said the word aloud. Why had he left? Why had they broken up? Why had they gotten together to begin with? Why couldn't she let go, even thought she knew in her heart that it was right that he had gone? Why, why why… why was fate cruel? Why did everyone she love have to be so distant. She cared for Xander and Willow but they would never completely enter her world. Xander was purely human, and although Willow was dabbling more and more frequently with magic, it was not the same as being a Slayer, not the same as her Calling. Not the same as the rules imposed on her by that destiny. Why? If she did not have this calling, she realized now, it might have broken her; his leaving. He had been her whole world, apart from slaying – and without him she had jumped into that with a greater vengeance. It was her only alternative. She couldn't make it on her own. She knew that, and so, to avoid that pain – she did what she did best; she Slayed.

_If I could, then I would_

_I'll go wherever you will go_

_Way up high, or down low_

_I'll go wherever you will go_

It's not enough. Your love will never be enough for her! Don't you see? You're killing her. He had not wanted to hear it, had drowned out that voice inside his head. I love her! He told it fiercely. I will follow her to heaven, to hell, and beyond! I will be her Champion, her knight, anything she wants, anything she needs. With her love, I can be better than what I am, I can do some good in this world, I can redeem my damned and tainted soul – she loves me. Me! Despite my past and everything I've done, beyond what I could ever ask for or deserve – that love can conquer anything! And he had believed it. Until he saw, really saw, where there future would lead. He could only pull her down into darkness with him; she who was his light. And there was no way he could stand by and watch that happen. In order to save her, he had to let her go, to save her from himself. It was the hardest thing he could ever do. It had very nearly destroyed him. If that was not enough to set him on the road to redemption, he had nothing greater to offer – it was the noblest thing he had ever done; Angelus would never have let her go, much less left her. He took heart in that fact. He was not Angelus.

_And maybe, I'll find out_

_The way to make it back someday_

_To watch you, to guide you_

_Through the darkest of your days_

He stood, quietly watching the sun set over the City of Angels. It was beautiful, that great burning ball of flame. He was still in awe at the power of the green-gemmed ring he wore; that the bright rays that washed him in their orange glow did not set his skin afire with more than the glow of a sight that had not been his to witness is over two centuries. There was only one thing that would make this moment perfect, but she was what felt like worlds away. He wished she was here to share this with him – it was all they had dreamed of once, a lifetime ago. It was a place and time he could never get back to, although sometimes it was all he thought about, all he dreamed about. Sometimes when he couldn't stand it any longer, he would go back to Sunnydale and from the shadows, watch, as he used to. Just to see her with his own eyes, to make sure she was okay, and well, and still smiling.

_Runaway with my heart  
Runaway with my hope  
Runaway with my love_

_Well I hope there's someone out there  
Who can bring me back to you_  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dark days were ahead. Angel knew that. No Slayer was without her trials, and as Guardian of a Hellmouth, Buffy was hardly exempt. But something was stirring; some part of him, some part that still recognized and associated with evil, a part he had been doing his best to quash since he had gotten his soul back, whispered seductively that Evil was once again rising. This was nothing new – it had spoken before, he had touched it before. He could not yet place it though – he had touched a lot of dark in his day – even found himself needing to know the plural of apocalypse, but this was different. Things were stirring that had not seen moonlight since the beginning of time, and although they would not come to light soon, he knew that his love would eventually have to face her greatest challenge, and in those days, those days when everyone else abandoned her, and she faced her enemy alone, who would stand with her, hold her up, watch her back? He wished with all his heart that it would be him; that he would be allowed that privilege. Even if it cost him his life, he would give it gladly.

_I know now, just quite how_

_My life and love might still go on_

_In your heart and your mind_

_I'll stay with you for all of time_

Buffy watched Angel walk away. Again. It almost broke her heart to watch him leave again – this time because she had sent him – a situation she could never ever have imagined. But no matter what she had said – and it had been true – about Spike, and how he was in her heart, there was absolutely no one who could ever replace Angel. He was so deeply rooted in her soul – she could not risk him on the front lines. She would always place his safety above her own life, and this Evil, the First, she would fight on her own. Angel would be in L.A. Far away from harm, and if, God (if he existed) forbid, she died in this fight, she supposed Angel would not live that much longer; she knew him as she knew herself. If she died, he would follow her to hell and take the First out on the way. She was depending on that. And, much as he disliked hearing it, that made her Champion in this battle someone other than himself. "Spike," she muttered to herself, "I hope **you** have something that goes with this." She thought back to her parting words to Angel…

Angel stood on top of the US bank tower, the tallest building in the city, and looked across the skyline. He was not sure what he was looking for exactly – he supposed that the fact that all was as it normally was testament that the First had not yet beaten Buffy, and subsequently, he did not yet need to call in the second front troops. His mind traveled back to their last conversation, just outside the pyramidal tomb of the guardians.

"I do… sometimes think that far ahead.

"Sometimes is something"

"Be a long time in coming. Years, if ever."

It was the first time in a very long time that either had acknowledged the chance of continuing their long-left relationship. But… that kiss when he had arrived at the tomb – that kiss spoke still of her feelings for him, feelings that had not diminished, despite the dangers and loves and other things she had faced in the long years since he had left Sunnydale. They had both learned a lot since then, endured a lot. And there was yet more to come – the greatest trial so far. Her cookie analogy, he laughed to himself, was more than accurate for both of them. Although he had been on earth longer than she, neither of them were finished, and he was not sure they ever would be. She was right. It would be years if ever. But there was hope in her words; they knew more now than they ever had before – between Anya's demon connections, Willow's amazing newfound powers, and Angel's own ever-increasing bank of non-human informants in L.A., someone somewhere ought to be able to find some way they could have a life together. He was certain of it. He was equally certain that although it was possible, they weren't yet ready for it. But someday… someday. He had waited a long time. But he was immortal. He could wait forever. And if nothing else, he would keep her in his heart forever, as he knew she kept him in hers. And despite all they had both gone through, he would not change a thing.

"I ain't getting any older…" he whispered softly, as the moon rose over the City of Angels.

_If I could turn back time  
I'll go wherever you will go  
If I could make you mine  
I'll go wherever you will go_


End file.
